The Forgotten Rose

In the almost 39 years of my life, I have never been alone. As a young adult, I willingly chose to remain at home to take care of my family. Being alone is foreign and strange to me.

My grandmother has been in the nursing for a month now, and to be honest, I miss her tremendously, and my days have been an emotional roller coaster. I cry. I get angry. I get depressed and wallow in self-pity……so many emotions have surfaced that I did not expect.

Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of weird and wacky form of “empty nest syndrome”. LOL

I never expected this but now that it is here…what do I do about it? My life has been so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that I don’t know who I am or what I want or what I am. I can give the “christianese” version to answer those questions. I can give the mighty “who am I in Christ” answers….but it still doesn’t answer the beginning question.

Who am I?

Last night I started rearranging the apartment. I cleaned and cleaned until I was exhausted. There is much to do today, and it feels weird to be doing all of this. When my gran was here, everything became dusty and cluttered because it upset her to rearrange furniture or even clean. For the sake of peace, I let things go.

I actually didn’t realize how much I let things go until last night when I started cleaning. It is amazing the things you discover in piles of rubbish. The clutter you never seen before. Parts of daily life that have no useful purpose. Dust bunnies that stare at you….daring you to move them!

I like cleaning. I like the life that is stirring up around me. I like the small changes that is occurring. I like the realization that I can finally create the kind of living space I have always wanted but didn’t realize I wanted. I like being alone.

Although, I have to admit that being alone is scary. All the little bumps in the dark ring loud as I am trying to sleep. Were they always there???? Learning to cook for one person. Reading, watching TV, praying with out interruption. Little things that I never noticed before are becoming visible.

Being alone isn’t that bad.

Being alone is a blessing that I never realized God was waiting to bless me with.

I am serious.

I’ve been going through some serious bouts with depression the past several weeks, and I stopped even thinking about losing weight. I’ve been binging like crazy and am currently up to 307 pounds. I don’t want to be like this but I can’t shake this depression and wanting to give up, climb into my shell and say, “to heck with everything and everyone”!

I don’t want to give up but I can’t seem to make my body do what I want it to do. My brain says let’s get moving and my body just laughs! My brain says let’s eat a healthy salad with some chicken breast cubes, and my body heads for a whole pack of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups! (which I am craving like crazy - can’t get enough of ‘em!)

I got ChaLEAN Extreme, and I did Day 1 but I can’t seem to get back……

I feel like I am out of control and I am not sure how I got here. Has anyone ever had this problem????

(P.S. I am under a doctor’s care. Several actually(general, ob/gyn, and neurologist). They are telling me the depression is from the PCOS which has caused alot of hormonal imbalances in my body.

Been to a nutritionist, and have a plan.

Counseling doesn’t work…been there, done that and came out alot worse after counseling! )

As I go through this time of walking in the valley of oppression and depression, I can’t help but wonder what the difference between spiritual oppression/depression and a chemical malfunction in my brain is.

Common Symptoms to All Depressions:

There are symptoms common to all depressions. They are: sadness, emptiness, the inability to experience pleasure (called anhedonia), low self-esteem, withdrawal, low motivation, irritability, excessive emotional sensitivity and thoughts of suicide.

Many diseases can cause depression. Here are some of the most common ones: asthma, anemia, cancer, malnutrition, premenstrual syndrome, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, congestive heart failure, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, infectious hepatitis, ulcerative colitis, multiple sclerosis, chronic infections.

Many psychologists believe that one of the causes or at least an exacerbation of the depression is negative, pessimistic thinking which creates low self-esteem.

When depressions are pronounced a person may experience decreased sex drive, appetite disturbance, impaired concentration and forgetfulness, restlessness, agitation, extreme fatigue and sleep disturbance. There is also an intense anhedonia (inability to experience any pleasure).

In a recorded sermon on depression, I talk about how often low thyroid function is a cause of depression. In fact nearly 8% of the population suffers from low thyroid function called hypothyroidism. Here are some of the signs and symptoms of hypothyroidism: weakness, dry skin, coarse skin, lethargy, slow speech, sensitivity to cold temperature, thick tongue, impaired memory, constipation, gain in weight despite little or no appetite, difficulty in losing weight, loss or thinning of hair, muscle pain, joint pain, slowing of mental activity, choking sensations.

I had many of these symptoms, plus more, before God healed me of Bipolar Disorder in 2003. I recognize these symptoms…they were once my best friends. I got so used to them that when I was healed, and my mind was quiet for the first time, that the silence in my mind was frightening and overwhelming. I was acutely aware of an emptiness that I had inside of me…an emptiness that only God could fill.

With spiritual depression, there have been some similar symptoms such as: sadness, the inability to experience pleasure (called anhedonia), low self-esteem, withdrawal, low motivation, irritability, excessive emotional sensitivity….but I acutely aware of God’s presence. It feels almost like God is close that I could and touch Him, yet at the same time, I have this overwhelming feeling that something is trying to pull me away from His presence.

This is where spiritual oppressions comes in. Spiritual oppression can be caused by three main factors.

1. Sin
Isaiah 59:2:
But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.

2. A Time of Testing
Read Job 1

3. Witchcraft of Soulish Prayers (Link)

The words we pray are very important and must be carefully chosen. Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart (the heart, i.e. (fig.) the thoughts or feelings (mind)), the mouth speaks. That is why Romans 12:2 tells us to renew our minds (to the Word of God.) We are told this so that we can prove what is that good, acceptable, and perfect will of God. Praying the Will of God is also our responsibility and is to be our direction and goal for prayer.

Soulish prayers: Prayers that are generated from our mind will or emotions. Soul prayers enlist our soul in an attempt to pressure the spirit and mind of another person to come around to or move toward our desired way of thinking. We are attempting to play god and force our will on the other person. It is a form of manipulation, control and witchcraft. Soulish prayers are particularly destructive when the parties are “open” to one another.

Physic prayers: Praying with a wrong motivation to pressure others to act, think or feel a certain way. Psychic prayers attempt to influence the Lord to cause someone to move in a certain direction. Whether or not the direction desired is God’s will for the person makes no difference. This is a disguised form of witchcraft and often Jezebel in nature; it is manipulation and is dangerous.

If you are going through something similar, I encourage you to seek out someone you trust to help you get help…some you can pray with and study the Bible with.

God bless you,
Rita

What have I been up to???

Over the past few weeks, I have been working on getting the website up and running. I think I have got every thing running good….I just need to add articles, etc. If you would like to take a look at the site, go here, www.mission-freedom.com.

Here is a a link to a video of my weight loss progress from my channel over on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UIsGjJAm0s

I know I have been kinda lazy with keeping my my weight loss tracking here, and on SparkPeople, but I am working on changing that. The website evolved into a more Christian based website, and I am not sure where my weight loss journey is fitting in yet…..so I am back on here tracking and blogging about my weight loss journey.

That is a quick up date….for now.

God bless you,
Rita

It has been a while since my last post. I have been working on getting the website running, and it has taken some time to get it done.

I started P90X started in March, and I am currently in week 6. Uptil about 2 weeks ago, I had lost 8 pounds, but over the past 2 week I have been gaining weight due to fluid retention. It is a symptom of PCOS. My hormones are out of wack to the point of being placed on hormone replacement therapy.

If you are dealing with PCOS you understand the battle it is to lose weight. It is horrible, and causes alot of stress….and depression.  The ob/gyn wants to do a hysterectomy but will not do it until I lose 75 pounds….but I am having such a battle losing those 75 pounds. Sometimes I just want to scream, “when will this be over?”

I’ve also been dealing with alot of depression. I just haven’t wanted to do anything. I have kept up with P90X but my heart isn’t in it….it has been a real struggle with everything.

Anyway, I just wanted to catch everone up to date on what has been going on here.

God bless you,

Rita

My website:

http://www.mission-freedom.com 

WOW! I can’t believe I made it to day 8!

New P90X update video on YouTube:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=28dWOedVAro

I learned a lot about my body and what it can do…and what it can’t do this past week. I believe we under-estimate our body, and because of that, we either do things that destroy our bodies…or we do things to improve our bodies.

I done things most of my life that have taken their toll on my body. As a result, I am dealing major health issues - arthritis, angina, high blood pressure, etc. I wish I would have listened to the people who were trying to help me instead of the people who were just as deluded as me.

Once upon a time, I was a member of “fat acceptance” team. I understand the need to accept yourself as you are, but does that mean that you completely stop doing things that will improve your health?

I bought into the lie that being obese was ok, and I was healthy…right? I would nost listen when people warned me that being over 250 pounds would destroy my body because, “fat is beautiful”.

I was wrong.

We do pay for what we do to our body, whether it be good or bad.

Self acceptance is a good thing but don’t deceive you into believing that you will always be healthy. Your health choices will effect your body somewhere done the road.

Today is the day of decision.

Today is the day of change.

What are you waiting for?

God bless you,
Rita

PS. The website is up and running.
www.mission-freedom.com

Food Log

Exercise Log

I was up until 3:00 a.m. last night trying to figure out how to get the website up and running. I’m learning but it is taking time.

When I felt led to explore internet ministry, I had no idea that God would be using my weight loss journey to minister to other people.

It’s something how we get our ideas and opinions of how things should look, feel or be…when God wants to do something totally unexpected. That is how it is with stretching me to create a website about HIM and this journey to health, among other topics.

Anyway, P90X Day 4 and 5….almost.

I posted a video on YouTube about why I don’t do yoga.

Here is the link for that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydeLrjmJCKY

I did an hour of basic stretches yesterday…not yoga…and it felt great! I kept it light yesterday, and I am  making Mondays my “rest” day. I’ll do stretching exercises but mostly I’ll be letting my body rest. Plus I take my injection for the MS on Mondays, and it tends to make me a bit sick at the tummy for several hours.

Living with multiple sclerosis requires that I use wisdom and let my body do what it needs to do….like resting from P90X. I know that is not part of the program, but I don’t think Tony will mind. LOL!

Today…I haven’t even got to the workout yet. I woke up late because I stayed up so late! I am going to get right in Day 5, “Legs & Back with Ab Ripper X”, this afternoon.

My core is sore! LOL!

The Ab Ripper X is challenging mucles I didn’t realize was buried under this layer of fat! But it will pass in time.

God bless you,

Rita

http://www.mission-freedom.com

Food Log

Exercise Log

Shoulders & Arms with Ab Ripper X.

Right now, I am feeling challenged in places that I didn’t even realize was there! It is day 3 of P90X and I am feeling the soreness everyone told me about. My core is especially sore…but in a good way.

Todays DVD was about a hour in length but I had to push “pause” a couple of times. So in all the DVD took me about 1 hour and 30 minutes to complete…but I did it.

I posted a video on YouTube about it:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1YCkxTvZio 

Tomorrow is Yoga, and I don’t do Yoga. So I will do some basic stretching and just let my body rest for the day.

It is exciting to challenge myself and see what I can accomplish. It is a feeling that I am not familiar with because I tend to give up easily. I am not sure what changed but something did, and now I have this “fight” in me to get healthy. A “fight” to beat the pattern that has plagued my family for generations. The urge to give up and die an early death.

I don’t want that for myself.

I did notice something I have not noticed before. I am sensitive to cheese. I love cheese, and since I began my weight loss journey, I have cut back on cheese…only allowing myself 1 - 1 ounce cube per day…if I want it. It is about the size of a dice.

Last night, I had very cheesy lasagna. It was delicious. I have to admit that. But this morning I woke up with my sinuses feeling clogged and I felt very sluggish. I am apparently sensitive to dairy products. Something I am going to be investigating further in the days ahead.

Anyway, it is late and I need some rest.

God bless you and good night,
Rita

I didn’t get to start P90X Day 1 yesterday.

I did the “Fit Test” on Wednesday, and I did miserably on it! But it also gave me an idea of where I am starting, and what my body can, and cannot, do.

This morning is Day 1.

The thing I like about P90X is that Tony says if you need to push pause and re-group, you can. He takes into consideration that people are different, and will be working out at different levels.

The next thing I like is he encourages you to set a goal before each exercise. Example: how many push ups do you want to do? The amazing thing about this is that by setting that goal, you often pass it.

Today was “Chest and Back with Ab Ripper X”. For example, I set a push up goal of 3…and I actually ended up doing 5! Setting that goal encouraged me and challenged me to do better than 3 push ups. It challenges me to change my thinking from, “I can’t” to “I can”.

The next thing I want to say is….THERE ARE NO EXCUSES!

Did I keep up with the routine? No! I went at a much slower pace, and it even tho it took me 1 hour and 43 minutes to do the 52 minute workout…I did it!

I have multiple sclerosis. Doing push ups with numb hands is not easy…but “I can’t” is no longer in my dictionary! My body hates me…and it lets me know by fatigue and numbness and all the other stuff I deal with on a daily basis, but the one thing I have learned is that there are no excuses.

I know there may be people reading this that know what they need to do to get healthy, and they have been playing around…making excuses.

Today is the day of decision.

Are you going to continue making excuses or are you going to do what you have to do to get healthy???

The choice is yours!

God bless you,
Rita

Ok…I got video and pictures taken to document where I am beginning with P90X. Hope I don’t traumatize anyone too much with these! LOL