The Forgotten Rose

In the almost 39 years of my life, I have never been alone. As a young adult, I willingly chose to remain at home to take care of my family. Being alone is foreign and strange to me.

My grandmother has been in the nursing for a month now, and to be honest, I miss her tremendously, and my days have been an emotional roller coaster. I cry. I get angry. I get depressed and wallow in self-pity……so many emotions have surfaced that I did not expect.

Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of weird and wacky form of “empty nest syndrome”. LOL

I never expected this but now that it is here…what do I do about it? My life has been so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that I don’t know who I am or what I want or what I am. I can give the “christianese” version to answer those questions. I can give the mighty “who am I in Christ” answers….but it still doesn’t answer the beginning question.

Who am I?

Last night I started rearranging the apartment. I cleaned and cleaned until I was exhausted. There is much to do today, and it feels weird to be doing all of this. When my gran was here, everything became dusty and cluttered because it upset her to rearrange furniture or even clean. For the sake of peace, I let things go.

I actually didn’t realize how much I let things go until last night when I started cleaning. It is amazing the things you discover in piles of rubbish. The clutter you never seen before. Parts of daily life that have no useful purpose. Dust bunnies that stare at you….daring you to move them!

I like cleaning. I like the life that is stirring up around me. I like the small changes that is occurring. I like the realization that I can finally create the kind of living space I have always wanted but didn’t realize I wanted. I like being alone.

Although, I have to admit that being alone is scary. All the little bumps in the dark ring loud as I am trying to sleep. Were they always there???? Learning to cook for one person. Reading, watching TV, praying with out interruption. Little things that I never noticed before are becoming visible.

Being alone isn’t that bad.

Being alone is a blessing that I never realized God was waiting to bless me with.