The Forgotten Rose

In the almost 39 years of my life, I have never been alone. As a young adult, I willingly chose to remain at home to take care of my family. Being alone is foreign and strange to me.

My grandmother has been in the nursing for a month now, and to be honest, I miss her tremendously, and my days have been an emotional roller coaster. I cry. I get angry. I get depressed and wallow in self-pity……so many emotions have surfaced that I did not expect.

Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of weird and wacky form of “empty nest syndrome”. LOL

I never expected this but now that it is here…what do I do about it? My life has been so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that I don’t know who I am or what I want or what I am. I can give the “christianese” version to answer those questions. I can give the mighty “who am I in Christ” answers….but it still doesn’t answer the beginning question.

Who am I?

Last night I started rearranging the apartment. I cleaned and cleaned until I was exhausted. There is much to do today, and it feels weird to be doing all of this. When my gran was here, everything became dusty and cluttered because it upset her to rearrange furniture or even clean. For the sake of peace, I let things go.

I actually didn’t realize how much I let things go until last night when I started cleaning. It is amazing the things you discover in piles of rubbish. The clutter you never seen before. Parts of daily life that have no useful purpose. Dust bunnies that stare at you….daring you to move them!

I like cleaning. I like the life that is stirring up around me. I like the small changes that is occurring. I like the realization that I can finally create the kind of living space I have always wanted but didn’t realize I wanted. I like being alone.

Although, I have to admit that being alone is scary. All the little bumps in the dark ring loud as I am trying to sleep. Were they always there???? Learning to cook for one person. Reading, watching TV, praying with out interruption. Little things that I never noticed before are becoming visible.

Being alone isn’t that bad.

Being alone is a blessing that I never realized God was waiting to bless me with.

I am serious.

I’ve been going through some serious bouts with depression the past several weeks, and I stopped even thinking about losing weight. I’ve been binging like crazy and am currently up to 307 pounds. I don’t want to be like this but I can’t shake this depression and wanting to give up, climb into my shell and say, “to heck with everything and everyone”!

I don’t want to give up but I can’t seem to make my body do what I want it to do. My brain says let’s get moving and my body just laughs! My brain says let’s eat a healthy salad with some chicken breast cubes, and my body heads for a whole pack of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups! (which I am craving like crazy - can’t get enough of ‘em!)

I got ChaLEAN Extreme, and I did Day 1 but I can’t seem to get back……

I feel like I am out of control and I am not sure how I got here. Has anyone ever had this problem????

(P.S. I am under a doctor’s care. Several actually(general, ob/gyn, and neurologist). They are telling me the depression is from the PCOS which has caused alot of hormonal imbalances in my body.

Been to a nutritionist, and have a plan.

Counseling doesn’t work…been there, done that and came out alot worse after counseling! )

As I go through this time of walking in the valley of oppression and depression, I can’t help but wonder what the difference between spiritual oppression/depression and a chemical malfunction in my brain is.

Common Symptoms to All Depressions:

There are symptoms common to all depressions. They are: sadness, emptiness, the inability to experience pleasure (called anhedonia), low self-esteem, withdrawal, low motivation, irritability, excessive emotional sensitivity and thoughts of suicide.

Many diseases can cause depression. Here are some of the most common ones: asthma, anemia, cancer, malnutrition, premenstrual syndrome, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, congestive heart failure, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, infectious hepatitis, ulcerative colitis, multiple sclerosis, chronic infections.

Many psychologists believe that one of the causes or at least an exacerbation of the depression is negative, pessimistic thinking which creates low self-esteem.

When depressions are pronounced a person may experience decreased sex drive, appetite disturbance, impaired concentration and forgetfulness, restlessness, agitation, extreme fatigue and sleep disturbance. There is also an intense anhedonia (inability to experience any pleasure).

In a recorded sermon on depression, I talk about how often low thyroid function is a cause of depression. In fact nearly 8% of the population suffers from low thyroid function called hypothyroidism. Here are some of the signs and symptoms of hypothyroidism: weakness, dry skin, coarse skin, lethargy, slow speech, sensitivity to cold temperature, thick tongue, impaired memory, constipation, gain in weight despite little or no appetite, difficulty in losing weight, loss or thinning of hair, muscle pain, joint pain, slowing of mental activity, choking sensations.

I had many of these symptoms, plus more, before God healed me of Bipolar Disorder in 2003. I recognize these symptoms…they were once my best friends. I got so used to them that when I was healed, and my mind was quiet for the first time, that the silence in my mind was frightening and overwhelming. I was acutely aware of an emptiness that I had inside of me…an emptiness that only God could fill.

With spiritual depression, there have been some similar symptoms such as: sadness, the inability to experience pleasure (called anhedonia), low self-esteem, withdrawal, low motivation, irritability, excessive emotional sensitivity….but I acutely aware of God’s presence. It feels almost like God is close that I could and touch Him, yet at the same time, I have this overwhelming feeling that something is trying to pull me away from His presence.

This is where spiritual oppressions comes in. Spiritual oppression can be caused by three main factors.

1. Sin
Isaiah 59:2:
But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.

2. A Time of Testing
Read Job 1

3. Witchcraft of Soulish Prayers (Link)

The words we pray are very important and must be carefully chosen. Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart (the heart, i.e. (fig.) the thoughts or feelings (mind)), the mouth speaks. That is why Romans 12:2 tells us to renew our minds (to the Word of God.) We are told this so that we can prove what is that good, acceptable, and perfect will of God. Praying the Will of God is also our responsibility and is to be our direction and goal for prayer.

Soulish prayers: Prayers that are generated from our mind will or emotions. Soul prayers enlist our soul in an attempt to pressure the spirit and mind of another person to come around to or move toward our desired way of thinking. We are attempting to play god and force our will on the other person. It is a form of manipulation, control and witchcraft. Soulish prayers are particularly destructive when the parties are “open” to one another.

Physic prayers: Praying with a wrong motivation to pressure others to act, think or feel a certain way. Psychic prayers attempt to influence the Lord to cause someone to move in a certain direction. Whether or not the direction desired is God’s will for the person makes no difference. This is a disguised form of witchcraft and often Jezebel in nature; it is manipulation and is dangerous.

If you are going through something similar, I encourage you to seek out someone you trust to help you get help…some you can pray with and study the Bible with.

God bless you,
Rita